Resilience in Marriage

 

I remember thinking to myself and wondering, before getting married, how come my parents were so close to each other, I always saw them being so cute to the other, so capable of trusting and having so much confidence in their relationships. Being married I have found questions to many of the questions I have had throughout the years, one thing that I know has enhanced their relationship and has brought them closer to each other, is that they have lived a lot of experiences together, happy experiences like the birth of a grandchild, the success of their son's adventures, a son going to serve a mission, a child recovering from a disease, and so on. But they also have lived great sadness and enormous trials, like the death of a closed one, the grieving of a daughter, losing big material possessions making them start their life from scratch, different illnesses, having beloved ones in places far away, and the suffering of their sons in different circumstances.

Thinking about this week class I realized that the strength of their marriage is not based on the happy times they have had, but on the tough trials they have had to face together. There is something about stressful situations, or as some material I read calls it: “Family crisis”, that can bring a family closer together, or can sadly, tear it apart. I, being married for 4 years have had experienced where I feel so much closer to my wife during a challenge and other times where we have felt the challenge is pulling us away from each other. I remember my first weeks being in a country I never been before, not having friends or any relative, and finding solutions and looking for advice and ideas with my wife, and finally conquering that challenge together, looking back at it, it was very stressful, we lived uncertainty every day, until about the 8th-month mark, but we felt closer together everyday and we knew if we stayed together, everything was going to be fine, no matter what the outcome was. We have also experienced the opposite when coming to study, realizing we had this new challenge together, that we had to face individually, because she won’t be able to do my exams for me, and we realized we weren’t spending as much time together or doing the things we liked and enjoyed doing together, so we had to plan and do something about it, and now we are facing this challenge together, and helping each other as much as we can, and we have felt so much closer after planning and doing these things together.

The table below shows some of the major relative stressors that a family can go through, from most hard to less hard:

There are some things we can do, or not do, that will decrease the chances of us being able to cope with hard trials with our family, or that can negatively affect our relationship with our partners, like blaming others for it (Scapegoating), Denial, when we don’t know we have a problem and thus  can’t face it and look it in the eye, and Avoidance, where we know the existence of a problem, but avoid confronting it. None of these coping mechanism will be useful for improving our relationship, neither for solving the problem. On the other hand, taking responsibilities for the challenges and problems we face can be good for us individually, like in the case of a woman that got divorced, she didn’t play the victim but got on her feet got her real estate license and built her life up from there, also affirming your family’s self-worth can be very helpful, challenges can take a toll in our self-esteem, it’s important that you believe in yourself and to remember that you are a person that you and your family are people with strengths and the capacity to cope in unimaginable ways. There are many coping mechanisms we can use in positive ways, but we have to first try to assess our situation, look for other person help, accept their advice, and act upon it.