Being on Guard

 

This week during class we spoke about affairs and infidelity and I caught myself thinking a lot why would some people do this? why would people, after getting married and planning a life together have an affair, and destroy everything that was built over the years, meaning family bonds, a home, probably church callings, and the respect of the whole family. 

The impact of an affair will be a situation not just for the part that violated this compromise, but for the partner and the family, Infidelity is one of the leading causes of divorce (Amato & Previti, 2003), infidelity produces traumatic impacts on the spouse who was cheated on and turns one’s world upside down (Baucom, Snyder, & Gordon, 2008). The spouse often feels nauseated, repulsed, depressed, undesirable, insecure, helpless, abandoned, anxious, and even suicidal (Hall & Fincham, 2006) so what can someone do to avoid getting to this point and causing this much pain?

This week I'll share what I learn on avoiding getting to a a point where infidelity is even thought of, similar to many illnesses, infidelity can be prevented mainly with two things:

1) Being on guard

2) being fiercely loyal

I will share a bit about staying on guard, and if anyone desires to read more about being fiercely loyal, I’ll make a second part to this blog about it.

A wise father recounted this story to his sons:

Once there were three men each trying to secure a job as a wagon driver. The freight company only wanted to have the very best drivers for their wagons, so they gave each potential driver a test. The test was to drive a wagon up a steep mountain road where one side of the road was a cliff. The first driver, eager to show his superior skills as a driver, drove the wagon up the road with the wheel of the wagon right on the edge of the cliff. The second driver was even more impressive; with great skill and dexterity, he managed to drive the wagon up the road with half the wagon wheel teetering over the edge of the cliff! The third driver was not so talented and drove the wagon as far from the cliff as possible. Who got the job? The third driver, of course. With wagons as well as with marriages, the moral of the story is the same: If our cargo is truly precious (and it is), we will drive our wagon as far from the cliff as possible.

Most people are drawn to think that when an affair happens, its, because there were problems already in the marriage in infidelity, was the result from problems in marriage, sexuality, or communication, truth is infidelity is mostly about where we draw the line.

Dr. Shirley Glass, in her book, not "Just Friends": Protect Your Relationship from Infidelity and Heal the Trauma of Betrayal (2003), points out that affairs are more about boundaries than anything else. She uses the analogy of walls and windows. In an extramarital affair, people put up walls in their own marriage and open the window to others outside the marriage. Instead, we must know how to put up appropriate walls to protect our marriages from outside influences and open the window of love and communication within our marriage.’

These are some examples about “walls” and where to draw the line:

Resist the desire to rescue an unhappy soul who pours their heart out to you.

• Don’t share the most painful things of your soul with an attractive alternative. This develops deep levels of intimacy.

• If a conversation makes light of marriage, respond with something positive about your own marriage. • Discuss marital issues with your spouse. Work on the problems at home. If you do need to talk to someone else about your marriage, be sure they are a friend of the marriage.

• Don’t have lunch or take work breaks with the same person all the time.

• When you travel with a co-worker, meet in the public rooms, not in a room with a bed.

• If an old boyfriend or girlfriend is going to be at a class reunion, make sure you bring your spouse along.

• If you value your marriage, don’t do lunch alone with an old flame.

• Don’t try to be cute or “flirty” with anyone other than your spouse.

• Do not allow your heart to dwell on anyone.